Saturday, April 20, 2013

Pictures and Anniversaries...

Hello! I just need to start with this image... It's the middle of April folks and snow is surrounding the budding flowers. I'm also wearing these and I'm over it... Backing up, here are the pictures from the previous week and a half. April 9th: Tiny April 10: A place Inside the Pittsfield building is the Pittsfield Café where Jeff and I went together the day we met during his shift at work. April 11: Detail I just got this lil piece of cuteness in the mail along with several other cake and ice cream sparklies. April 12: In the middle I made this and love that chocolate brown flower... in the middle. April 13: View from your bed Yup. April 14: Water This little darling was sitting in the front window of Alliance Bakery. April 15: Alone I love this pigeon. :) April 16:your favorite color I'm obsessed with green! April 17:Busy I drew this! April 18: hello! and April 19th: button I felt too lazy to do anything with these so...insert your own! Last but not least... April 20th: On your mind I snapped this shot from the screen on my computer via Rob's on my mind today. He's been gone five years today. Half a freakin' decade! I can't believe it. Each year I've felt inspired to go someplace or do something in his honor. I don't search for this inspiration, but it always finds me. Today I chose to go to an OA meeting and to go to the Garfield Park Conservatory. At the meeting I shared that I lost Rob and while today I can say that I'm truly grateful to have had the experience I had with him, I do have my low points that creep up days before the 20th. Those consist of anger, questions of "why did this happen?!" and feelings of despair. They're all very familiar feelings as I experienced them on a much larger scale shortly following his death. I vowed to not slip too far down that rabbit hole five years ago, to accept that this is part of my life now and to move forward when I was ready. When the meeting ended I didn't get up and race out like I usually do. I stayed and accepted all the love, hugs and kind words extended to me by the lovely women I am now seeing twice a month at this particular meeting. I wanted those hugs. I wanted to soak up everything they had to offer and know that it was good, and that I needed it. They told me things like "be gentle with yourself today", "do something to honor him", and "it's good to have rituals that help you remember and honor the time you spent together." They also reminded me that our "bodies never forget and they react accordingly." One woman said that she sees people float through their grief like it's no big deal but she's a mess every time the anniversary of her mother's death rolls around. I felt so unbelievably comforted in ways I had not experienced in quite sometime. I stayed longer and talked with a wonderful woman as if I had known her my entire life. It felt sooooo spectacular to be completely free, open and honest that I was practically floating to the Conservatory. Being that it's Saturday, the place was swarming with kids and meandering tourists. I sat outside, got very still and quiet and watched the birds while silently thanking Rob for everything he gave me. It didn't take long for me to get cold so I wandered back in and eventually left, heading to Alliance to write for a bit. A nap followed along with some drawing, reading and a few chores. Perfect day.

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