Undergrad...

I finally met with an advisor, Mr. Rhiani, from Harold Washington who was referred to me by a co-worker I ran into from our Wicker Park salon. I brought with me the paperwork I acquired from the advisor at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine and as I talked with Mr. Rhiani he pointed out that his job with me was nearly obsolete because I had all the classes I needed laid out for him. I simply needed to follow the guidelines already given to me when it came to taking classes. He suggested I stay for an extra two hours on top of the 60 that I would be there for, and get an associates degree in fine arts. I learned that that Spanish was both offered and required for the degree, (something I want to learn) and (eek!) piano!!! I was high as a kite when I saw that I could play again for elective credit. I’ve been daydreaming again about buying some sheet music and renting an hour at the library every so often to play, which I will still do, but to know that I could take classes again?! This was simply amazing. Maybe this undergrad thing won’t be as painful as I originally expected.
All this fabulousness will not be happening before doing all the unpleasant things first. Things like applying for financial aid, and taking the dreaded placement exam. Nothing freaks me out faster than a standardized test. Mr. Rhiani explained what to study and later when I looked it all up, seeing algebraic equations I haven’t thought about in forever I quickly shut it down and went for a walk…to Jeff’s.
“You need to be where you are.” he pointed out in the middle of my freak out session as we sat on his couch with coffee he carefully measured and brewed. Our couch time was something we used to do a lot more of when we first met but haven’t lately with our busy schedules. “You haven’t touched algebra in nearly fifteen years.”
I nod but don’t breathe, blink, or speak for fear of Niagara Falls style tears will burst from my eyes. It’s not really about the test, it’s about what I’ve learned about myself that I didn’t know I knew until this school process started. I am not as dumb and lazy as I originally perceived myself to be. This realization feels immense and overwhelming. I’m elated but also feel a lot of grief for how I was and am working hard to simply let it go. I can’t fix anything that happened already but I can move forward and make different choices today. That is what’s got me all wound up. Part of me wants to be still and have a moment or several with this realization while another part is ready to be done with it and move forward to discover what I didn’t a long time ago and more. Not only that, but this part wants flawless understanding of all the material I will have to learn, straight A’s and perfection.
I know Jeff is right. I know that I need to be exactly where I am and accept it. I don’t want to though. I still fear that I am completely ignorant, incompetent, stupid and I want to run away from it. This feeling is something I’ve carried around with me for as long as I can remember but haven’t spoken of. I believe it’s why I’m so emotionally charged about school. I can’t believe I’m going back into this world. Not only that, I’m going into it believing that I will do well. It’s so very scary, but so very wonderful all at the same time.