This time though, I am consciously trying to make a different choice. Before, weeks before actually, making a split decision to move I told a client who is very dear to me that I would dog sit for her in Evanston. For ten days while she and her husband were away to visit their daughter who is studying abroad in Spain, I would be taking care of their adorable Golden Retriever and staying in their house, reducing my 45 minute-1.5 hour commute on the train to a 15 minute walk. I had no idea how wonderful this arrangement would turn out until I started packing.
On days off this week I have been commuting back home, with boxes left over from product/color orders from the salon, filling them and packing what I could before feeling overwhelmed, stopping and heading back to Evanston to walk the dog, and breathe a minute. It has been a dream to be away from the chaos that is my room right now.
Despite all this back and forth stuff, work, dog sitting and trying to see Jeff I am still managing to squeeze in an artist date. I’ve noticed that if I even think about skipping them now I go completely insane. (as opposed to brushing them off as I’ve been tempted to do.) It has been imperative for me to carve out a teeny space in my week for this little bit of a time out from life as I know it and explore something I’ve wanted to try or something I’ve forgotten.
I chose to draw this week. I used to draw all the time. In seventh grade I loved drawing cats along with the occasional Disney character. Penciling in the cat’s fur and their eyes were my favorite parts. The hair of the Disney characters was also a favorite. As I’ve gotten older I have a tendency to draw when things feel so difficult that I can’t write and making a collage seems like too much effort. I love to take ladybugs, or butterflies and personify them, giving them human emotion. Today though I sat down with a photograph of a mocha that Jeff made and drew it as I saw it. My original plan for this image includes bright colors, and possibly some paint but for today, I was curled up on the couch with some drawing pencils I’ve had for a while now and a small sketch book. When I started, I was all uptight like I usually am, wanting every single line to be perfect, (it never is) and have it perfectly proportioned. (never happens) Why must I take all the fun out of something with my incessant perfectionism? Why not just let go and see what happens?
So I did. To the best of my ability I did. I let my hand move freely, and did my best to interpret on my paper with my hand what my eyes were seeing. This is always the most difficult part. My eyes, and my mind’s eye sees so much. I can’t understand how to communicate that to my hand except through practice. Practice, I tell myself, is something I don’t have time for when really… I don’t “feel” like doing 500 hundred drawings just to find that “one”. Not having time is my favorite excuse.
Our “homework” this week is to stay away from reading/tv/movie watching/face book/internet surfing etc…anything that sucks up time and numbs us out. I don’t watch tv, only get on face book when someone has sent a message or posted on my wall, and my internet surfing has been reduced to a couple blogs I read and email, unless I’m going to bake something or need directions. I feel pretty good about keeping my distractions at bay.
The two things I do the most though are writing constantly in my journal, and sadly, consuming way more food than my body needs. Reading used to be up there but I’ve drastically cut back on that as well. (I did the Artist’s Way on my own right before signing up for the course.) I also use one creative outlet to block others. I may want to work on a collage but baking something new, or writing seems way more interesting or enticing. I’m just now starting to become hyperaware of how I’m spending my time. It’s helped me organize myself though this move. Telling myself that I don’t have to spend all day packing, just part of it makes me move faster and be more efficient. Knowing I can allow myself breaks helps, plus needing to take care of the dog has also kept me moving in a way I wouldn’t otherwise. Actually walking him has gotten me out of my head. Walking in general to work has done the same, releasing extra tension that might be building up. I’ve penciled in time to see a friend, time for Jeff and the gym. I stare out the window on the train, stand on the platforms observing life around me instead of burying my nose in a book. I’ve even managed to be more present at work, really engaging with my clients and remembering that worrying gets me no where.
I’ve still had my moments of freak outs, distractions, irritations and the like but ultimately am feeling like I’m moving (quite literally) in a good direction.
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