I haven’t written at all about this now upcoming Atlanta marathon. I haven’t had much to say about it really until now. It’s been staring me down lately, tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me that it’s coming. In turn I have been freaking out about the whole experience. Am I ready? Have I trained enough? What will I do if it rains? What if I don’t finish? What will they think of me?
“Calm down.” my co-worker Lindsay tells me one morning. She is running her 8th marathon in D.C. the same day I’m running Atlanta. “It’s normal to be feeling this way. It’s normal to get all emotional and scared. You’re doing a big thing and you’re ready. OK? You’ve already done the work. Now you just have to do the marathon. You can’t control the weather, or how you’re going to feel that day and people will love you anyway, so go have fun.”
I laugh at how simply she states things and return to Earth.
“I’m going to email you something a friend forwarded to me before my first marathon. I think it will help.” Lindsay says and gets online. Later her email is in my Inbox and I’m soaking up the words. I’m especially intrigued by the opening paragraph…
“People often ask,” why do you run marathons? “ I often joke that it is cheaper than therapy.
I believe however that people run marathons, especially their first one, because they are either running to something or running from something. Only the runner really knows which. A great amount of time and focus is necessary to train for a marathon. The endeavor not only requires intense drive but also sustained effort.”
This got me thinking about why I’m running. I’ve thought about it an awful lot and still don’t have a concrete answer. My love of running is high on my list of reasons if not the top reason. I’ve always loved running, have been decent at it, been competitive about it, and yes, it is cheaper than therapy, but seriously, a marathon?! What’s the point?
The point, for me at least, is to accomplish something physically and mentally demanding. Why do that though? I imagine I need to prove to myself that I’m strong enough because some part of me thinks I am not. Also, running creates space between me and the rest of the world. My head escapes whatever is bothering me. While I’m running it’s sometimes quiet but mostly it goes on it’s own journey as my legs take me through mile after mile. When I’m done I feel refreshed, happy for doing it and more often than not, a little more level headed than when I started. When racing, the energy of all those runners alone is enough to keep me addicted, not to mention the heart pounding anticipation of crossing the start line as well as the finish. There is also nothing like being among so many like minded people doing what they love, going after what they want whether it be a personal best, a first time race, a last race before starting something major like having children or getting married. Some are running for cancer research, running because they survived cancer, running through grief, or simply running because they can. Whatever the reasons are, having that shared experience tops my list of high points in my life.
Let’s also not forget the sense of accomplishment once the finish line is crossed. During my first half as I approached mile 12 tears stung my eyes because honestly, I didn’t know I could make it that far. I was on cloud 9 for the next three days after that race. I want that feeling again.
I found it interesting that the email Lindsay sent stated that people who run marathons are running to or from something. Lindsay feels I’m running towards school and a new life. I agree to an extent but feel I’m running from…something. Upon further exploration of that I see that I’m racing toward my future, away from past hurts, thoughts, beliefs that no longer serve me. I’m ready to be free of all that garbage and learn a new way of thinking, of being.
To accompany me on this 26.2 mile journey I’ve decided to put music from the past 15ish years on my iPOD to make me laugh at the silliness of being fifteen again, (Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby“) to relive driving home with Nathan after Friday night football games in high school, (Collective Soul’s “Heavy”) giggling through art class (Chumbawamba‘s “Tubthumpin“), swimming countless laps through swim season (Cake‘s “Distance“), running track (Sisqo’s “Thong Song” along with Collective Soul’s “Run”.), a freshman favorite (Matchbox20’s “Push”), commuting to college with my friend Kylie (Mystical’s “Shake ya Ass”, Nelly’s “Country Grammar”, and E.I.”), driving to Atlanta to Van Michael as I began my career (Ashanti’s “Rock Wit You”), my first concert with my best friend Kat, (Stereophonics’ “Dakota”) some late nights (Indigo Girls “Closer to Fine”), trips to London, (Coldplay “Speed of Sound”), meeting/losing Rob (Saving Abel’s “Addicted”) moving to Chicago (Killers “All These Things I Have Done”) falling in love with Jeff( The Be Good Tanya’s “The Littlest Birds”) and the list goes on and on…
I’m thrilled to make this journey both physically and mentally. I’ve never been so scared of a race before in my life but Imma do it anyway. I’m not sure what I’m looking for exactly or what I’m expecting by doing this. I don’t think I’ll actually know until I cross the finish line…
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