Finals, finals, finals and...The End!

“In forty eight hours this will be over.” One of my clients said to me as I was finishing his hair. I was explaining my anxiety over my math exam. The final is sixty percent of my grade so yeah no pressure but I have to pass. I’m really not sure I’ve ever passed a math final. Still, I stayed relatively optimistic because like he said, it’s going to end and I’ll never have to think about it again. The exam was only ten questions which was great because it didn’t take forever to complete it. On the flip side, should I miss one, that’s an instant ten point deduction. Anyway, it came and went. I had no feelings of anxiety like I usually do. I simply accepted that I knew what I knew and that was that. Dana had helped me earlier in the week. I had studied on my own some and felt that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. “Do you want to see your grade before the exam?” my teacher asked as I turned in my completed test. “Sure.” He typed something on his laptop and turned it so I could see it. “You have an eighty one going in.” “Wow. Thank you.” I replied, remaining oddly emotionless. I walked away, packing up my things and left. On Thursday I had to take my Swedish Massage final. There is an odd number of students in that class. When I took my midterm I had to work on one person with another person and I didn’t like it. To make sure that didn’t happen again, I asked Rich if I could bring Jeff to which he replied yes. I was thrilled for Jeff to be there, to see what I do for nine hours a week in that building, and for him to meet Rich. Nothing much was said though because all we had to do was give a massage and leave. Of course the day I bring Jeff in there is an even number of people. I worked on him anyway being one of the girls was 20 minutes late to class. I put a little more into working on him than most other people I’ve encountered. The same thing happens when I cut his hair. It’s nice to extend this part of myself to him. Once I finished, he left and the girl who came in late worked on me. I’m really going to miss this class. Getting a relaxing massage at the end of a long day once a week is epic! I later fell into bed happy to have two exams down and one to go. The next morning I had craniosacral therapy with Rich again. His written exams are usually multiple choice. He told us this one would be open-note which sounded great until I saw that the exam was essay style. I nearly quit in the middle of it. I felt I couldn’t write anymore. My brain was mush, my hands didn’t feel like pushing the pen anymore and I just wanted to be outside. I hated that I had to leave this experience. I hated that I was misinformed and had to scramble to fix that by applying to another school that wasn’t nearly as kind as this one on a daily basis. I hated that I no longer cared much about something I was once so passionate about being I wasn’t going to be practicing as a massage therapist. I stopped writing. I took off my glasses and sighed. I stared at the blurry image of the window in front of me. Sometimes I’m amazed at how little I can actually see without my glasses. I often wonder what’s going to happen when I need reading glasses. Am I going to be legally blind? Another sigh escaped me before I reminded myself that I couldn’t just quit now. I’d be so embarrassed if I turned in a half completed exam simply because I “didn’t feel like finishing it.” I put my glasses back on my face and got back to it. Once we finished the written portion we had to complete a practical portion. This included giving a treatment to each other. For the first time ever, as I was being worked on I felt something bubble up and threaten to release but I mentally smacked it down, refusing to feel anything. I didn’t want an emotional release. I just wanted to relax and have this end soon. When everything was completed I turned in my final telling Rich I’d see him soon for a treatment. I made a mental note to make good on that and book an appointment soon. I left the building rather quickly feeling odd that I have quite the attachment to this whole experience. It’s not like I’m quitting the whole thing, just taking yet another path, and trying to remain open to wherever that will lead…